Hospice:  Thoughts as my mother is dying

Thank you, Peggy.  I have worked with or owned a hospice for over twenty years. I have seen the compassion and dignity possible in the experience of dying.  As we age and particularly as we enter that time we would call "advanced age," paranoia, dementia, often delusion and/or confusion rob us of the gentility of life.

The good news is that as mature adults we recognize what is real and what is not.  As we have to do what is best rather than what our parent or loved one wants, we have to be kind and gentle in the face of accusations and anger.

This is not difficult except where our loved one says hurtful things which you desperately would like to correct but cannot do so effectively.  When a loved one says, "you always loved another more than me," or, "you just want my money," or "if you could, you would put a gun to my head and shoot me," or, "you just want me dead."  

Truth is the only protection here because correction is not possible.  The truth is that the Word of God affirms, "a curse cause less cannot come."  One application of this is that when someone says something that is not true, it cannot touch our core.  

A second Scripture speaks of, "passing the cup of bitter water."  The concept is that when falsely accused, we do not react or get angry, unlike when someone says something which is partially or wholly true, we will react with anger.

As a parent and grandparent and as a physician, I find myself in the  role of "son-who has become the care giver-and care giver who has become the decision maker," I wonder why I skipped the classes where we were taught this role.  Then I remember, there were no classes and there were no practice sessions.  

We get to do this only one time, twice, once with each parent and we want to do it well. So, we fall back upon God's wisdom and grace, and we do our best, knowing we will not do it perfectly, but in our heart that is our desire.  

In an hour or so, I will return to the hospital to love my mother, soon for the last time with her present, but always for as long as I live.  I remember the words of the minister in "A River Runs Through."  After his youngest son is brutally murder due to his wrong choices, the father tells his congregation:

"Each of us will at one time in our lives look upon a loved one who is in need and ask the same question:  We are willing to help, Lord, but what, if anything, is needed?  For it is true we can seldom help those closest to us.  Either we don't know what part of ourselves to give or, more often than not, the part we have to give is not wanted.  And so it is those we live with and should know who elude us.  But we can still love them -- we can love completely without complete understanding."

So we act imperfectly but with a pure if not perfect heart.

Comments

“So beautifully written - my heart goes out to you. I have been in your shoes. My mother has been gone over 10 years now, and you were there to help me when my dad was dying. Your compassion gave me strength. May God bless you and your family in this very difficult time. How coincidental that you and Carolyn are dealing with the same situation at the same time........guess God knows you will help each other through this.”

“I am so sorry Dr. James L. Holly. I was in your shoes with daddy, James Pearson, just a few weeks ago. I thank Jesus for His Peace through this time.”

“How very brave of you to share your pain and anguish -- and demonstrate our shares humanity. You are in my prayers.”

Comment from Dr. Holly:  “Marci, we were trained and taught to be stoical and withdrawn but I have always believed vulnerability and transparency, with appropriate physical and intimacy boundaries, are the proper basis for patient-centered conversations with shared life and shared decision making.   I process life, sadness, joy, grieving, and...  with writing. Sharing that writing with family, friends and strangers helps others organizes their feelings and process their life experiences.  One of my mentors told me in 1961, "those who help us the most are not those who teach us something new, but those who teach us how to say what we have already known."  We help others the most when we share our vulnerability and as we transparently let them see us walking through life as haltingly as they.  Our weaknesses and failures openly shared help others more than our strengths or successes

Julee Doiron:  “It was good to read this, Larry.  It helps me make some sense of the last few years of my mother's life - the ridicule I got from people who had never walked in my shoes, coping with Mom's dementia and slow decline and slow death .... And, it also helps me make sense of the many challenges I have ahead of me with my brother.  Yes, we do the best we can and yes, we can sleep at night.  We know how proud our mothers are of us and all of our struggles.  Peace...”

Dr Holly:  “Julie, if you would like to share the names we will be glad to form a committee to explain their errors to them so they understand.  Your love and care of your brother is a ministry of and to God...for as much as you do to the least... And of course our judgement of least ness is terribly flawed.  Larry”